Mama, I love you

When it comes to personal posts like this, I legit feel like my heart is going to burst before I even begin writing the first sentence. I have so much I want to say, but I don't even know where to start. How much detail do I go into before it snowballs into a full blown word vomit of emotion and tears and all of the feels. Basically, I bloody love my Mum. I love her, I know her, and I feel like I understand her. As a woman, and a friend, as well as a mother.

I remember when I was around 16, hanging with the wrong crowd and generally just being a little dick, I ended up staying with my Gran for a few months and I will never forget the day that my Mum confronted me in the hallway, saying 'Ayden, I really don't like you right now'. That was the first and last time me and my Mum have had an sort of confrontation, and she was right. I was a horrible shit of a person and truly didn't care for anything or anyone, especially not myself. My mum was a young, single Mum, so we had a super close relationship growing up and I think of those awkward teen years as a bit of a blip, as most of us go through at some point. I'm glad I got it out of my system and learned my lessons at 16, rather than 26!

Despite not living with my Mum since my late teens, and not speaking to her every single day, I feel like at this very moment in time we are closer than ever. She gets me, and I get her. She accepts me for who I truly am, right down to the bare bones and the mistakes I have made. She fixes me, sweeps up any heartache and always gives me a safe place to retreat back to. She builds me back up again and helps me take that scary step forward into the unknown. I remember a few years ago when she said to me 'Ayden, learn from my mistakes, I've made them first so you don't have to!' My brain is taking me back to late last year, the day after me and my best friend fell out and I was starting a new job. I was so heartbroken, I lasted an hour in that job and walked out. I was broken, mentally and physically and should never have started the contract in the first place, after feeling the warning signs of burnout in the weeks leading up to that day. I walked straight into my Mum's house, with a hot cup of tea and a blanket on the couch, crying until I'd exhausted myself so much I fell asleep.

A few months later when I was feeling much more together, I went into hospital to get some irregular cells in my cervix removed (Don't ever miss a smear test ladies... I promise, it could save your life one day) I took my Mum and Gran with me, as if it was some strange family outing (jokes, we had plans for coffee and cake afterwards, because why not make a day of it!) and my Mum came in with me while my Gran sat in the waiting room. The whole procedure was, unpleasant, to say the least. I cried, and cried, and cried. Not so much because of the physical pain, but the fact that it felt like a complete intrusion (emotionally, strangely) and I was terrified at the thought of what could and would have happened, had I not went for that smear. My Mum did a fantastic job on letting me squeeze her hand until it turned white, and fanning me with one of those cardboard pottys while they tipped the bed backwards because I felt like I was going to faint.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but through these happy tears I just want to write the words down and truly take mental note of the fact there are so many instances in my life which I feel like I couldn't have got through without my Mum. She inspires me no end. I guess I could say that when I grow up, I want to be just like her! I hope I'm as good a mother to my own children as she has been to me. I feel like every single person on this planet deserves to have someone in their life who fufills this role for them, whether it be your birth mother, adoptive mother, surrogate mother, step mother, mother in law, grandmother... a friend, a male or female, or any family member in general. My heart breaks for the people who have had this special person taken from them too soon.

After a lovely catch up on the phone with my Mum a few nights ago, I went online shopping to look for a Mother's day gift for her and decided to make up a little gift guide. Mum, I'm really sorry I haven't bought you everything in this post! But I like to think I've chosen a nice assortment of bits which reflect your style and personality well (You Netflix loving, coffee drinking Girl Boss that you are!) I promise to give you first dibs next time I clear out my wardrobe too. We definitely have similar taste in food, fashion and accessories, and I'm proud that my Mum's influence has had a positive impact on me over the years (I can hear her sigh of relief after my full on chavvy/goth/emo phases ran their course) Well, more so my adult years!

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