Anxiety is a funny old thing. The term is often thrown about very loosely, along with depression and OCD, from people who don't actually suffer from it - but use it as a verb to generalise how they are feeling. Getting worried, experiencing lows, or being someone who likes things done a certain way is completely normal. But once you truly suffer from these illnesses and perhaps need to go for counselling or be medicated - you understand the difference between what is normal, and something that stops you from functioning in your daily life. The above are just examples of the many, many mental illnesses out there, but today I'd like to talk openly about one which I suffer from myself. Anxiety.
Ever since I was a little girl I've always been a worrier. I would get quite upset about being late, letting people down, or any sort of miscommunication between myself and others in my day to day life. I have been this way for as long as I can remember, so initially it was really hard for me to differentiate where my personality ended and my illness began. I'm quite a methodical and organised person. I write a lot of lists, which are essentially my coping mechanism and sort of 'risk management'. Being this organised means I feel prepared for whatever life is going to throw at me, but it also means when things don't go to plan or happen the way I expected them to, I become really nervous and upset. I beat myself up about the unexpected because surely if I had been MORE organised, and thought things through even further, that no unexpected happenings could possibly have slipped through my net. And so begins a vicious circle of over thinking and over preparing for the simplest of tasks, and then feeling completely defeated if I lose control of the situation and something happens which I hadn't planned for. Then there's the flip side of when I am completely organised, and everything is going to the 'plan' in my head, I start to worry because surely I should be suspicious that things are going so well? Surely I have missed something? I can't relax and enjoy the moment because I'm waiting for that bad thing to happen. I worry about not having anything to worry about. Hope I haven't lost you here... but welcome to my brain.
There is still a lot of stigma attached to mental health. I often refrain from opening up about it in a work setting because as a freelance person, in a high pressure job, I still worry that if colleagues knew the extent of my anxiety then they wouldn't want to hire me. Which is ridiculous, because I am perfectly capable of doing my job, and I know fully that I am! It tends to be when I've came off of a job that I feel the anxiety creeping back in. The momentum of work keeps me going and then when that stops, I feel like Wild E Coyote with my arms and legs spinning in the air before he drops down into the canyon.
The most frustrating thing is that life is bloody good right now, the best it has ever been. I am so content and happy with my life and the people in it. So when the anxiety takes hold it becomes even more frustrating. Like I said, I'm a very methodical person and completely aware of my emotions and how irrational they are. Yet I just can't control them. But it's an illness - you wouldn't expect a diabetic person to not take their insulin and for their blood sugar levels to be stable. It's the exact same when it comes to anxiety. After struggling on for a while, I took a massive dip a couple of months ago when I got back from Portugal and decided to go back on medication. I am on flouxetine at the moment but have also been on citalopram and beta blockers in the past, but I find that the flouxetine works best for me.
I'm not ashamed to share this, and I'm not offended if any of you are shocked because in the past I've had people say to me things along the lines of 'Oh but you seem so confident and upbeat' and 'You don't act like someone who is depressed or anxious'. There are stereotypes everywhere in the world. But quite often from the outside it would be just as hard to 'guess' if someone had Asthma, as it would guessing if someone had Anxiety. My friends and family are aware of the telltale signs of when I am struggling, but to a person outside my close circle, or a colleague at work, they would never know. That's especially why I love the quote 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle'. A polite hello, a positive interaction, or a simple smile from a stranger on the street to a helpful shop assistant can go a long, long way.
Dotted throughout this post are pictures of things that make me relaxed and settled when I am feeling a bit down. I am doing so much better since being back on medication, and the CBBC job I have just finished was a great boost to my confidence and a positive transition back into work. My Forever Living business has been going really well too, and I feel bad for not blogging in a while but this is the first chance I've had in a couple of weeks. I'm beginning to be more realistic with what I can achieve each day, working on my priority list and knowing that right now I am doing the very best that I possibly can. Tonight Pete is out at band practice, and tomorrow is my last day at the BBC so I felt a little shadow following me around the house when I got home (which is my anxiety, not Binx! Although he has also been following me as you can see above haha) I'm convinced that animals know when you're feeling down. The cats haven't left my side all night! On a really anxious day, this is my fail safe evening routine:
1. Run a bubble bath and light some candles
I've been having so many baths lately that I am down to my very last bath bomb from Lush! It becomes an expensive habit when you're having one every second night. I got a beautiful new lavender and basil candle when I was at the recent Liz Earle event, along with a relaxing lavender and tea tree one from Arran Aromatics. Lavender is great for making you sleepy, so they're the perfect accompaniment for bath time. My wee light up rubber ducky from Joy is also a necessary new addition. He makes my bath water look like a galaxy!
2. Cosy up on the sofa in my pj's
Maybe the cats really only flock to me on the sofa because I'm a wee cosy source of heat. I finally got some new slippers from Spartoo and I think I'll need a new dressing gown soon as this Joules one is a little worn now (all the paddy pawing from Binx for hours and his claws catching has loosened a few threads!) My hot water bottle doesn't actually contain any water either, its a rechargeable heat pod from Dreamland. Genuinely the best thing to happen to me since these colder months have started to set in. Lasts much longer than an actual hot water bottle, and no messing around with the kettle and boiling water. Plug it in for 5 minutes and you're ready to go. Popping it under the covers ten mins before bedtime is the best bloody thing ever.
3. Zone out of all social media
Depending on if Pete's home or I'm alone, I'll watch a film or read some magazines, and recently I've started to dabble in some colouring books which Dom and Katrina bought me. I'm not a big fan of using pencils, I'd love to do them with watercolour if the paper was a bit thicker. I also think a colouring book full of Ella's artwork would be awesome!(She did a great little colouring competition at the London Tattoo Convention last year)It's really beneficial to stay away from social media when I'm not feeling great. It's just a distraction that sometimes ends up making you feel worse when you're already in a wound up mood. There's something really satisfying about being engrossed in a film or some colouring rather than constantly refreshing facebook. Oh, and cups of tea always make everything better. Especially when it's tea in a unicorn mug.
Thank you for letting me share my experiences and current situation with anxiety. If you feel like you are struggling and aren't quite sure what to do, I urge you to talk to someone - you are never alone. More people feel this way than you could imagine and the stigma attached to talking about mental health simply needs to get tae'! (followed by the F word) If you would like a little daily dose of positivity and inspiration, come over and follow my Good Life 365 page. I'm always just an email or message away if you want to chat. I'll leave you with this fantastic quote from The Book Of Brave by Laura Jane Williams:
"Gratitude and kindness. Self-regulation and humour. Zest and appreciation of beauty, wisdom and integrity, citizenship and fairness. Social intelligence. Perseverance and empathy. That’s success. That’s human-ness. That’s how to get through this mind-fuck of existence"
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Dotted throughout this post are pictures of things that make me relaxed and settled when I am feeling a bit down. I am doing so much better since being back on medication, and the CBBC job I have just finished was a great boost to my confidence and a positive transition back into work. My Forever Living business has been going really well too, and I feel bad for not blogging in a while but this is the first chance I've had in a couple of weeks. I'm beginning to be more realistic with what I can achieve each day, working on my priority list and knowing that right now I am doing the very best that I possibly can. Tonight Pete is out at band practice, and tomorrow is my last day at the BBC so I felt a little shadow following me around the house when I got home (which is my anxiety, not Binx! Although he has also been following me as you can see above haha) I'm convinced that animals know when you're feeling down. The cats haven't left my side all night! On a really anxious day, this is my fail safe evening routine:
1. Run a bubble bath and light some candles
I've been having so many baths lately that I am down to my very last bath bomb from Lush! It becomes an expensive habit when you're having one every second night. I got a beautiful new lavender and basil candle when I was at the recent Liz Earle event, along with a relaxing lavender and tea tree one from Arran Aromatics. Lavender is great for making you sleepy, so they're the perfect accompaniment for bath time. My wee light up rubber ducky from Joy is also a necessary new addition. He makes my bath water look like a galaxy!
2. Cosy up on the sofa in my pj's
Maybe the cats really only flock to me on the sofa because I'm a wee cosy source of heat. I finally got some new slippers from Spartoo and I think I'll need a new dressing gown soon as this Joules one is a little worn now (all the paddy pawing from Binx for hours and his claws catching has loosened a few threads!) My hot water bottle doesn't actually contain any water either, its a rechargeable heat pod from Dreamland. Genuinely the best thing to happen to me since these colder months have started to set in. Lasts much longer than an actual hot water bottle, and no messing around with the kettle and boiling water. Plug it in for 5 minutes and you're ready to go. Popping it under the covers ten mins before bedtime is the best bloody thing ever.
3. Zone out of all social media
Depending on if Pete's home or I'm alone, I'll watch a film or read some magazines, and recently I've started to dabble in some colouring books which Dom and Katrina bought me. I'm not a big fan of using pencils, I'd love to do them with watercolour if the paper was a bit thicker. I also think a colouring book full of Ella's artwork would be awesome!(She did a great little colouring competition at the London Tattoo Convention last year)It's really beneficial to stay away from social media when I'm not feeling great. It's just a distraction that sometimes ends up making you feel worse when you're already in a wound up mood. There's something really satisfying about being engrossed in a film or some colouring rather than constantly refreshing facebook. Oh, and cups of tea always make everything better. Especially when it's tea in a unicorn mug.
Thank you for letting me share my experiences and current situation with anxiety. If you feel like you are struggling and aren't quite sure what to do, I urge you to talk to someone - you are never alone. More people feel this way than you could imagine and the stigma attached to talking about mental health simply needs to get tae'! (followed by the F word) If you would like a little daily dose of positivity and inspiration, come over and follow my Good Life 365 page. I'm always just an email or message away if you want to chat. I'll leave you with this fantastic quote from The Book Of Brave by Laura Jane Williams:
"Gratitude and kindness. Self-regulation and humour. Zest and appreciation of beauty, wisdom and integrity, citizenship and fairness. Social intelligence. Perseverance and empathy. That’s success. That’s human-ness. That’s how to get through this mind-fuck of existence"
