Thoughts on a quarter life crisis

Put the kettle on and take a seat, this may take a while.

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Have you ever caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and thought 'Who the HELL am I?', 'What the fuck am I doing?', and various other notions of life imitating a runaway train that is speeding completely outwith your control? Yeah, I've been feeling a little bit like that lately and today my speeding train seems to have crashed and exploded all the carefully packed cargo out on the tracks for everyone to see. Well, not everyone - probably just myself. I am my own worst critic, and also my own worst nightmare. I'm maybe trying to blame these recent realisations on turning 26 and a quarter life crisis, but in reality it's just the timing of life being good, genuine happiness being experienced and feeling like I know myself more than I ever have before. But with this comes the ugly side of nostalgia. Mixed emotions and looking back to when you thought you were happy, and thought that you knew yourself - and that indefinite fear of 'oh my god how did I ever manage to lie to myself like that'. Looking back on this blog and my life, I can't say that I have never been happy or that I've spent 26 years lying to myself, because that's not true. The people I hung out with, the decisions I made, and the directions I went in must have felt right for me at the time, otherwise I never would have chosen them. It doesn't excuse any shitty behaviour or clear mistakes that I've made, but I am not a bad person and I wouldn't do something without having some sort of justification behind it in my head. I see now that bad decisions I made were probably dictated by fear, jealousy, and being too blind to see the wood for the trees. I just feel so awake now, and the most raw, alert and exposed I have ever felt, so it's standard that I am going to look back on aspects of my life and feel like an absolute stranger to myself. I am not a different person as such, but I have grown and changed in a lot of ways. Undoubtably this happens with age and experiences, and I'm completely grateful for all the adversities I've faced in recent years because every single one has taught me a lesson, and contributed to the person that I am right now, sitting at the computer wondering where the hell I am going with this blog post. But bear with me.

I have changed, and I have grown, and I guess this blog is an often cringeworthy reminder of life through my eyes since the age of 19. Present day Ayden wants to nip back in time to all these moments of heartbreak, embarrassment, troubles and unhappiness and give myself some advice. However if that was possible, life would be far too easy and we probably wouldn't appreciate it as much. So I have decided to note down some current thoughts and fears, in the hope that in another 7 years time I can look back realise that everyone is on their own personal journey, and each and every experience I have is contributing to carving a path towards my future. I hope one day my future becomes a past that I am proud of. I might not get it right first time, or ever at all! But all I want right now is to be the best version of myself that I can be. Where I note the things that worry me, I hope I can write down what I plan to do about it as I start typing. Let's see how it goes...

Ahhh, blogs! Probably one of the biggest and scariest things at the top of my list right now. I have been writing in this little space on the internet for about 7 years, and the whole platform or 'industry' as you will, has changed in it's entirety. I'm not gonna go off on a 'back in my day' rant and sound like a bitter old bitch who is pissed off because she missed her chance at becoming a full time, 'big' blogger. I didn't start this blog for it to become a business, so I really shouldn't give a damn now that my blog doesn't look like a glossy magazine, never mind thinking about earning money from it. It's an absolutely wild concept to me and I am so proud of the people who have been able to turn their blogs into a business, because they are bloody amazing at what they do and I think they deserve to be paid in order to keep doing so! It's been an absolute honour to meet the people I have met, experience the adventures I have been presented with, and be gifted with various items for free (without me even offering any sort of bribery! and I do make pretty mean nutella cupcakes by the way) I'll admit that in the past I have lost sight of what is important to me, and why I started this blog in the first place, and I am genuinely sorry for that. From now on if I review or feature something on this blog I want you to know 100% that my thoughts are honest and from the heart. It has always been my intentions from the start anyways, but sometimes I have acted against my own instincts because I've felt so under pressure to keep up with my peers. It is in my best interest for my content to interest you, the reader. I've let my standards slip in the past while being caught in a tidal wave of new bloggers, 'blogging tips' posts and what I should be doing. This new movement has came with a new generation of blogging. I survived without the tips back then, so why am I so desperately now trying to change who I am in order to keep my head above water and to fit into what is expected of a 'good' blog. The more I've tried to do it, the more that I feel like I've failed you guys and came across as false because I've not been very true to myself. It's pretty reassuring to read that a lot of other people are feeling the same way as I am at the moment. I don't quite know what we do about it, but I'm going to start by not resisting change (because change is inevitable) and ultimately not let myself get as wound up about it as I used to.

This sorta links on from blogging (which I promise will be the biggest paragraph as my brain is beginning to shut down already - Don't know about yours! Congrats for making it this far) Having a presence on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc can be fun and liberating, connecting you with lots of other people and generally being quite an upbeat and banterful experience. However a dark side also comes with this where you are exposed to everyone else's life too, well, what we all choose to share of it. Comparing your life to that of others can put you on an absolute downer. Seeing how amazing a time people are having when you're having a crappy day yourself does not bode well for lifting that black cloud drifting over you. I also feel the pressure to catch up on all these social media channels regularly throughout the day in case I miss something. But really, if something super important happened to one of my friends or family then I would hope I'd find out via a text or phonecall about this major life event. Do not let the fear of missing out make you sit refreshing instagram all day, because all end up doing is missing out on real life and real interactions with people. There's a time and a place for everything, and sometimes I think we need to not be so scared of putting our phones down over dinner, or not taking a photo of that cute dog with a bowtie because then it didn't exist if we don't have photographic proof. My memory is absolutely shocking these days but it's probably because I don't work it as hard as I used to. I want to start making more memories and snapshots of life for my own head, rather than for social media.

Working in the TV industry has always been my dream job, and I'm proud that I've been able to make a living out of it since graduating 5 years ago now. I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but it's a pretty tough gig at times. I'm the first one to point out my weaknesses rather than celebrate my strengths. I sometimes joke and declare that I've sold my soul when it comes to this industry, but on tough days it actually does feel like it. On average I work 12 hour days and 6 day weeks, which is pretty standard for freelance work. I'm employed in short bursts, with contracts normally lasting anywhere between 5 days and 5 weeks. It's not too difficult to put your social life on hold during these busy bursts of work, as I often get weeks off in between to make up for lost time with friends and family. However the last couple of jobs I've done have been long ones - 3 months and now 5 months. It's absolutely exhausting trying to keep your energy levels up for that amount of time, and I feel like my stamina is dwindling quite a bit. Longer jobs mean more security and more money, but also less time actually living. Work to live, don't live to work as they say. Also, being freelance, what if the work dries up and people just stop employing me? Or when it comes to saving up for a mortgage how can I afford it, and if I have a baby one day can I take time out of this industry and expect to get back into it again easily?! I can't quite work out if it's a change in career I need, or perhaps just turning down the really long jobs as they are doing no good for my anxiety and mental health. I love what I do, so I don't really want to give it up. But if I keep on going at the rate I am now, I'm going to crash and burn. A lot of people I work with feel the same, so it's all about finding out what works for you and striking the right balance. I've not quite found my balance yet but I am most certainly working on it.

Working so much means money to buy nice things, go places and have adventures with the people I love. But the long hours mean I don't have much free time to catch up with friends and family, and I tend to go completely off the radar while I'm working. Luckily everyone is really understanding and supportive, they all seem to get what I do and why I do it, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling rubbish. I often have to cancel plans at last minute because of work, and I can't book anything too far in advance such as holidays because I don't know if and when I will have a job. I can't thank Pete, my family, and my friends enough for being so patient with me. I have so many great people around me and I wish I could see them all more than I get to at the moment. I always worry and ask myself am I a good enough friend, daughter, girlfriend etc. I just want to be more present and involved in all of their lives that I am currently. Oh, and quicker at texting back! Bad Ayden.

A big goal for me this year is to feel more comfortable in my own skin, physically as well as mentally. I still have a little bit of weight I'd like to lose, and hopefully I can reach that before my holiday in August. I get so nervous about going to the gym on my own, so if there's anyone reading this who is a member of Glasgow Life, please come be my fitness class buddy! I need a kick up the backside and my old flatmate Claire has offered to personal train me, so I'm definitely going to take her up on that offer. I'm also looking into getting the mole on my nose removed soon. So many people have said 'oh but it's a unique part of you, don't change that!' and as much as it's something I rarely talk about, it is a big insecurity of mine and I would feel more content and confident without it. I've been looking into some non surgical procedures so I might share my plans on here soon, if you'd be interested in reading them! The biggest thing doing my head in right now is my skin. My forehead broke out a couple of months ago as I've mentioned in previous posts, and absolutely nothing I am doing seems to be helping. I got some Acnecide from boots which keeps it at bay, but doesn't actually clear it up. Once I finish this job in 4 weeks I'm going to take a trip to the doctor for some advice. I've not had problems with spots my entire life up until now, so wondering if I could be developing adult acne? Who knows! Stress is probably a major factor to the body hangups I'm having, so hopefully some time off and a holiday will help recharge my batteries.

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So, I guess all of the above equates to my quarter life crisis. Ironically, I am really bloody happy right now, and I am seeing all aspects of life in a new light which make me want to make the very best out of all of them.  I am that kind of person that will find something to worry about, when I have no reason to worry at all. And when I categorically know that I have nothing to worry about, I'll worry because surely I have missed something, and some little detail has slipped under my nose unnoticed. I hope that sentence makes some sense. I really agree with the notion that if you love deeply, you will hurt deeply. I would rather experience these extreme highs and lows in life, rather than just float through right through the middle as someone completely numb - someone who never gets hurt or never lets things or people bother them, but then also never really experiences extreme elation, tears of happiness, or to be truly in love. Being open to these extremes is scary, but it's worth it. Would you rather spend your life half asleep and completely numb to it's truest potentials, or would you rather put your heart and soul on the line and get to experience all of the greatness, along with the little bits of darkness that can come with that. I think I know now what I choose.

'Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life' - Robin Sharma